Be like the sunflower

Has your leg ever fallen so asleep that when you stand you fall over? Well sitting at my computer last night contemplating an escape plan, I was sitting funny I guess and my leg fell asleep. When I finally got up to go to bed it was if I didn't have a leg and I fell. Talk about just laying on the floor wondering what in the heck was happening. And thinking "just great.... I've woken the baby ... and oooooohhhh it hurts". It took some minutes before I could feel my leg and then that tingling sensation happened and that hurts!

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My escape plan hasn't gotten me very far. I oddly have a bag packed with somethings for the baby & I to get somewhere. I could take my little car to California - it is warm there. We have passports and we aren't afraid to use them. I have to travel with 2 big dogs because one is taking medication now and the other is a nervous nelly. So imagine if you will -- me, a 9 month old, a big old border collie & a little lab mix all in a HOT red zippy Toyota Yaris. Yea - seems imposible. We are going to practice today & if it works - we are out of here.... I don't know where we will go or how long we can drive but we will do something.

I have a birthday next week (I believe I'll be 38) and the notion of just spending it with the baby who can't eat cake is sad. Now don't get me wrong.... I love spending the days & nights with the baby. I'd just like someone to speak with on my birthday! And some cake!

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I have turned the heat on in my pottery studio. I want to go down there & get dirty. I'm not motivated to do much of anything. I am afraid to start anything. Somedays I believe I should just put that dream away & sell it all. It is strange really. I REALLY want to be a mommy/potter. I want to be better at making bowls & things than I have ever been. I want to occassionally successfully sell something! I think right now I can devote some time each day to making beautiful creations. But I'm mad that the space I love is getting left behind. I'm mad because any place I go right now will need to be "remodeled" to meet my barest needs and guess what... that takes TIME & it will be the last thing on the list of things to do.... so 2, 6, 9 months without a space for pottery..... I'm mad. And I'm mad that this move is turning into a money draining mess which could put me back in the workforce with no time for my son or my pottery. Which is precisily why I haven't posted anything else on http://www.etsy.com/shop/serendipitypots..... my shop is just breaking all apart. But I have some projects I'm really excited about.... I'm just mad and want my studio space.... because just knowing I have it to go to is comforting. The unknown though is just like a black hole in the clay... you just don't know what it is until you are already in it.....

Maybe instead of an escape plan I should spend my free time getting dirty.... but that doesn't solve the issue of just being stir crazy & lonely.... and there will still be no one here to have cake with....

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Which just brings me back to mommy broke it............ there are of course lots of people in situations far worse than the one I find myself in.... sitting and moping about the broken pieces of life is not productive nor does anyone care.... but I do have some crazy adventures & stories and if I can see my way through the clouds I will see those adventures are shared..... we all have a story to tell... mine just always starts with something being broken!