The truth of the matter
It has been a hard couple months. Espen is doing great at school and at HOME. The truth of the matter is that we are moving into the weird zone again.
I searched out help a little over a year ago when the pediatrician was not giving me the help I thought we needed. We live in a different house from anyone I know. It is secure. It is quiet. It is friendly to the needs of my little boy. I was tired of hearing "he is just a little boy, relax.". There is nothing normal about having locks up high on the doors to keep him inside and safe. There is nothing normal about cleaning up poop he has played in. There is nothing normal about eating dirt and bugs as easily as paint yet not touching food. The list of not normal can go on and on... our normal is just different. We found help and it has made a huge difference. HUGE... Some of these things I don't have to worry about anymore. I know that he has some support around him and we are making progress.
The truth is however that lately I blog less, I share less and I keep the door closed more because we are having a struggle. After our no good, terrible, horrible bad day yesterday I sobbed myself to sleep. He is a beautiful little boy. He is smart and funny. He is clever and creative. He is strong and physically able to do some super hard things. Yet we are having really hard times. And I didn't want anyone to know...
Espen has become more worried about changes in his daily routine. If daddy goes to work before he wakes up, if a light bulb is out, if the trash man don't come until later, if we don't have the ipad for dinner, if there is a new sound or smell, if we don't sit in the same spot or use the same glass. His worry causes panic and frantic behaviors. Espen has an especially difficult when mommy is gone two evenings a week for work. Tears & anxiety. He wakes up to make sure I am home and often won't go back to his own bed, preferring to sleep next to me. It is so bad on us both that I am tempted to stop working at my little job. The truth is Espen has become increasingly hard to take places. Even when he knows the store and knows when we are going, his fright and fidgeting make it hard to reason with him and extremely hard to shop. He races off in flight mode. He gets flushed and hot. I often feel like I either just never take him or that I am a hostage to routine. If I don't go through the store exactly as I did the last time, he becomes concerned and louder and more agitated.
I felt like this weird stuff was because I am perhaps the softest mom in the world. So I got harder. I put him in time out more. I took away toys and privileges. It didn't help. I tried bribes. It didn't matter.
Then we had a terrible bad horrible day and I felt like a failure. A failure of a mom. How could I have this child who didn't mind, who runs off, who won't hold my hand, who screams and gets agitated with slight changes. This beautiful little boy who gets so incredibly stressed and anxious that I can't console or contain. Our day was the worst kind and we were both exhausted. I cried because I am tired of hearing "he is just a normal little boy". I cried because we are trying to have just as average family as everyone else. I cried because he was wide awake for 14 hours on full energy because of the slight changes in our routine. I cried.
I want so much to take him to a museum but can't because I can't trust that he will stay with me and not touch anything. I want to take him Christmas shopping but can't because it will cause extreme panic and over excitement. I want to go to school functions (and we did) without the over stimulating consequences. I want to put him to bed and read him books but have to let daddy do it because he calms better with daddy and they have a routine! I want to re-arrange furniture and paint walls but it is much to stressful for him (what I have moved he wants put back and is obsessing about it).
It is best when we are at home. He is surrounded by the things he is most comfortable with. He behaves so amazing with little trouble. It is so amazing. It is quiet. It is happy. Of course sometimes we have accidents or we have to have a time out for bad choices but it is not crazy when we just stay home and don't change anything. The moment I change that we have problems. I keep us home more. We play inside or outside. We lock the doors to keep him in and the world out.
I feel like a prisoner. I see our family and friends with 'normal' lives and I am jealous. Because our lives are constantly in frantic mode, calm down mode and vigilant mode. We don't do anything without planning for all the things that can happen and a fast retreat. We let very few watch him so we can have a night out or run together or a break. We worry and do our best to keep him safe because he has no sense of fear, boundaries or pain.
My silence has not been shame. Exhaustion keeps me silent. My days are exhausting. My day is full of Espen and my nights are full of taking care of running a household! The truth of it is my f
ear of being told that this is NORMAL or he is just a regular little boy keeps me from sharing our struggles. Our home and lives are not in the range of NORMAL. We are just managing to get by and fall exhausted into bed to get by again!
It is always darkest before dawn...so perhaps this is our dark moment. We are going to come out on the other side and be stronger, more loving and able to deal with the next problem.
I searched out help a little over a year ago when the pediatrician was not giving me the help I thought we needed. We live in a different house from anyone I know. It is secure. It is quiet. It is friendly to the needs of my little boy. I was tired of hearing "he is just a little boy, relax.". There is nothing normal about having locks up high on the doors to keep him inside and safe. There is nothing normal about cleaning up poop he has played in. There is nothing normal about eating dirt and bugs as easily as paint yet not touching food. The list of not normal can go on and on... our normal is just different. We found help and it has made a huge difference. HUGE... Some of these things I don't have to worry about anymore. I know that he has some support around him and we are making progress.
The truth is however that lately I blog less, I share less and I keep the door closed more because we are having a struggle. After our no good, terrible, horrible bad day yesterday I sobbed myself to sleep. He is a beautiful little boy. He is smart and funny. He is clever and creative. He is strong and physically able to do some super hard things. Yet we are having really hard times. And I didn't want anyone to know... Espen has become more worried about changes in his daily routine. If daddy goes to work before he wakes up, if a light bulb is out, if the trash man don't come until later, if we don't have the ipad for dinner, if there is a new sound or smell, if we don't sit in the same spot or use the same glass. His worry causes panic and frantic behaviors. Espen has an especially difficult when mommy is gone two evenings a week for work. Tears & anxiety. He wakes up to make sure I am home and often won't go back to his own bed, preferring to sleep next to me. It is so bad on us both that I am tempted to stop working at my little job. The truth is Espen has become increasingly hard to take places. Even when he knows the store and knows when we are going, his fright and fidgeting make it hard to reason with him and extremely hard to shop. He races off in flight mode. He gets flushed and hot. I often feel like I either just never take him or that I am a hostage to routine. If I don't go through the store exactly as I did the last time, he becomes concerned and louder and more agitated.
I felt like this weird stuff was because I am perhaps the softest mom in the world. So I got harder. I put him in time out more. I took away toys and privileges. It didn't help. I tried bribes. It didn't matter.
Then we had a terrible bad horrible day and I felt like a failure. A failure of a mom. How could I have this child who didn't mind, who runs off, who won't hold my hand, who screams and gets agitated with slight changes. This beautiful little boy who gets so incredibly stressed and anxious that I can't console or contain. Our day was the worst kind and we were both exhausted. I cried because I am tired of hearing "he is just a normal little boy". I cried because we are trying to have just as average family as everyone else. I cried because he was wide awake for 14 hours on full energy because of the slight changes in our routine. I cried.
I want so much to take him to a museum but can't because I can't trust that he will stay with me and not touch anything. I want to take him Christmas shopping but can't because it will cause extreme panic and over excitement. I want to go to school functions (and we did) without the over stimulating consequences. I want to put him to bed and read him books but have to let daddy do it because he calms better with daddy and they have a routine! I want to re-arrange furniture and paint walls but it is much to stressful for him (what I have moved he wants put back and is obsessing about it).
It is best when we are at home. He is surrounded by the things he is most comfortable with. He behaves so amazing with little trouble. It is so amazing. It is quiet. It is happy. Of course sometimes we have accidents or we have to have a time out for bad choices but it is not crazy when we just stay home and don't change anything. The moment I change that we have problems. I keep us home more. We play inside or outside. We lock the doors to keep him in and the world out.
I feel like a prisoner. I see our family and friends with 'normal' lives and I am jealous. Because our lives are constantly in frantic mode, calm down mode and vigilant mode. We don't do anything without planning for all the things that can happen and a fast retreat. We let very few watch him so we can have a night out or run together or a break. We worry and do our best to keep him safe because he has no sense of fear, boundaries or pain.
My silence has not been shame. Exhaustion keeps me silent. My days are exhausting. My day is full of Espen and my nights are full of taking care of running a household! The truth of it is my f
ear of being told that this is NORMAL or he is just a regular little boy keeps me from sharing our struggles. Our home and lives are not in the range of NORMAL. We are just managing to get by and fall exhausted into bed to get by again!
It is always darkest before dawn...so perhaps this is our dark moment. We are going to come out on the other side and be stronger, more loving and able to deal with the next problem.
Comments
Post a Comment