Parenting~ it is this hard

Honestly, it is not supposed to be this hard.  It is not supposed to be hard in this way.  Parenting is already hard.  Being grown up and responsible for all the things that "grown-ups" feel are important ~ house, cars, yard, pets, bills, insurance... and children is hard.  But THIS hard?  No one imagines it to be like this and here I am... struggling and managing to smile and make it through and onto another day.  Honestly, I feel like crying and shouting to anyone who listens.  BE THANKFUL... because for some of us, IT IS HARD. 

For over 2 years I was repeatedly told by lots of folks that it was my fears or worries or imagination that was the issue ~ that my son was just a "normal" little boy.  I was embarrassed to say what the issues were by the time he was nearly 3.  I was afraid and ashamed.  Not of my little boy, but of how different our lives were.  I cried and prayed and tried as best as I could to just make it.  I knew it was not supposed to be this hard.  Yet, for us, the story is different.  We experienced things of different magnitudes then most families.  We live in a fortress with oddly locked doors, chemical free wipes and floor cleaners, poison control on speed dial, limited play dates, quiet, controlled diet, running, happy weird opportunities.  Yet it is so hard. 

Now we are quickly approaching 5 and while lots of things are better, there are some days and some situations that are freaking hard.  Some things I cry about.  Some things that make me crazy I barely notice any more while other things drive me insane!  And so it is for Espen also!  Some things I know that other parents just have no idea about, much less any way to understand them when I do tell about them.  Some things that are so incredibly hard I don't know if I can manage to make it another day or hour ~ and I always do. We all three do.  

My son is unpredictable.  We just get used to it.  We never know when the "shit will hit the fan".  We tend to roll with it and are hopefully prepared for what happens.  We know that on most days, something strange will befall us ~ we just don't know what, when, where or how. (By strange I mean OVER the top, WILDLY unpredictable). So we try to be ready.  It is like having an emergency safety preparedness plan all the time.  Is this how your family lives?  I'd imagine not quite so dramatically! 

Today, for about 45 minutes there was an uncontrollable meltdown.  There was bad behavior choices, stomping, screaming, sobbing, door slamming and hitting.  I had to tackle and hold him down to keep both of us safe.  We both cried. We both yelled.  I tried my hardest to be calm and sensible.  There was no reasoning, no getting through to him, no stopping the wreck. I sat with him in time out until we both calmed down, only to let him up and seconds later he was right back to it.  I took away toys and honestly I spanked him.  Nothing, NOT A THING helped or stopped it.  And just as quick as it started ~ it was over.  Done.  Totally finished.  He was back.  He was not tired or angry or upset.  He was just back.  These things happen to us frequently.  Please do not tell me it is "normal" and all kids have these temper tantrums.  This is so far from a tantrum, this is not the behavior that happens in homes daily.  For us, this is common.  It is exhausting. 

It is hard.  At the end of my day, I sit and reflect. I wonder what it is I can do different or better.  I ask who we can see, where we can go for help or answers.  We do our best and we have a plan, but we don't know if it will be enough or right or at the right moment. And the future is so unknown.  I want my son to have the same things as other children.  I want the same things for him as every parent wants for their child.   It is hard to wish a life full of regular moments, interactions and experiences for my child.  It is hard to know in my heart that we will struggle to give him the same things that many families just experience naturally.  It is hard to let the word "normal" go from our lives and accept that we just have been give different opportunities and it is up to us to accept them as they are. 

These opportunities often are accompanied by a mountain of extreme conditions!  And we trudge up that mountain with little sleep, no clothes, a handful of snacks and a full bottle of water.  We slip and stumble, we play in the creeks, we climb trees, we curse the incline and the conditions but we keep on going.  Our spirits are intact and we laugh often.  But occasionally, we have to stop and scream and cry because it never stops.  We never reach the summit.  It is hard. 

Hard in ways you may not imagine.....