i’m Back... and unhappy

Let me first start with saying I hate it here.  There has been nothing from the moment we learned of the move that has gone smoothly or without trouble.  And it is not just the run of mill bad luck... it is like an absolute crap storm.  I have done my best most days to face the storm with a good attitude. 

Not every moment has been terrible.  Not every person we have met has been challenging.  There have been good things and good days.  And there have been great people who are kind and lift us up.  The bad moments right now absolutely out weigh the good... and overshadow anything else.  It is a deep slump of despair I find my self falling into and each day gets harder to pull out of.  

Rattling around in my brain were the words my sister said to me 10 days ago .... “Remember when you moved from Chicago and HATED Nebraska.  You blogged about it ~ go back and check it out and you will see it gets better”.... I did not until today.  Yep... I hated it then too.  Had terrible days of feeling lonely, isolated, unsettled and in despair.  I lived in a construction site of a house because we took on a mountain of remodeling projects.  I had a 1 year old and I was becoming increasingly aware of distinct challenges we were to face with him.  I hated it.  I read those blogs today and I cried for her and the bleakness she felt. 

And I get it.  Because honestly today I am feeling it.  That isolated, unsettled feeling.  The worry every day when I drop Espen off at school that SOMETHING else is going to happen.  The fear that he is on a backward slide and we are seeing behaviors we have not seen in a couple years, he is finding more comfort again in small dark places, that his best defense in not finding his path and fitting in is to be the bully.  I drop him off attempting to find strength and positivity for both of us so that he can face his day the best way.  But I am terrified of what we have done in moving here.  So I read those blogs from 7 years ago when we moved to NE and I feel that way today.  

It got better.  The blogs changed from despair to hope and back.  Good things happened... I kept plugging along.  But it was hard.  This is hard.  Yesterday was an avalanche of bad.  I took action today.  I drove my dog and I 20 minutes to a trail head that was recommended and we walked 4 miles in the cold sunny air.  Cleared the mind and spirit.  I ate.  I opened up my iPad and revisited my blog.  Maybe I need it still ... 

And while there is plenty to be done inside I am going to go out to my shop.  There is power out there.  Water may never get there and that is a huge set back.  But for THIS moment the good is that I have power and a place.  And at the end of my afternoon I am going to go up and pick up my child and genuinely appreciate the teacher he has spent his day with because I believe she was put on our path for purpose.  And later I will chat with my sister and my bff about what an amazing day it was... One moment at a time is all I can manage right now.  It is enough.