Finding our Joy
Can it really be that I have not sat down and written for MONTHS... indeed it looks like since February... 9 months. I can't say it is because we are flourishing and love our new digs. I can't say it is because we are overcome with such glee that I am no longer burdened with drama. Nope. Neither of those aptly fits our reality.
Certainly in the last 9 months we have adjusted to a routine life again. Everything is unpacked and put in place. We know where to buy groceries and medication. We have established relationships with the school, doctors and dentists. We have made some friends who we can trust with our kind of "crazy". We give equal consideration to exploring and discovering as we do to staying home and being in our own space. We make effort and attempt to see family more, rejoice in the small moments and open our hearts to experiences.
But with our year anniversary of living in Oklahoma approaching we find ourselves talking about the future and what that holds in the immediate and the long term. We talk about "managing" here and how we learn to enjoy it. We talk about the future of our son and his success in the education system and in life. We talk about how we find ourselves in the negative slump and are often jaded with people and situations. We find ourselves wondering about what our future decisions for our family will look like and how soon we will need to make them. Our knowledge leads our decisions.
There are moments in life that are hard. When you have people and things you are responsible for those moments and decisions get even harder. For example, moving today becomes exponentially more difficult than it was even 9 months ago... we added some animals to our pack, we added equipment, we sunk a lot of money into making this building a home and that metal outbuilding a shop. We are no longer at a place to just walk away for the "next thing". Moving is not one of our options currently. But our moments here are extremely challenging making our family sick with dread and angst, doubting and emotional. Challenges with the job, the community, the school and ultimately, with living a happy and well rounded life. The negative moments and comments are finding a way into Espen's little being and he believes he is bad and not able to "do it". I find myself exhausted with constantly managing crisis and Doug drags himself into a job suddenly counting down until he can retire. We face these challenging moments head on. These challenges will shape us but they will not define us.
Moments should not define a person. It is what we are trying to help a 9 year old understand. Because in the last 9 months the child has had more bad than good, more negative than positive and he feels consistently and constantly in trouble and that he is bad (bad choices, bad behavior, bad work, bad bad bad). We have had to find ways of being more positive for him because he is not what the moments are. He is not that choice, behavior, moment. The situations do not define him, yet he has started to believe he is nothing but bad, that people expect him to be bad and why try to be anything else. From the mouth of my child this was uttered. He is not defined by the moments. No one is.
It is what we as adults have to understand and practice every day. Moments happen. Situations, experiences, events they all shape our decisions, attitudes and beliefs but they do not define us. We are able to start fresh the next moment or day or week and try again. We are able to create our next experience and make it positive. Each one of us is able to begin again. It is hard to do as a grown up, even harder as a child.
We are having to wrap our minds and lives around this experience we are in and find the good. We constantly have to change our mindset and vocabulary about situations with Espen so he is forced into believing positive things about himself and his experiences. We have to remind ourselves and each other that we can not be constantly wishing for the past or thinking about the future... we have to be in this moment and we have to make it the best we can.
These last 9 months have not been our finest. Far from it if I am telling the hard truth. But we will learn from these decisions and experiences. We will wake up tomorrow and face the day with a positive outlook and hope for a positive outcome. We will speak to each other and our child in ways that leave us feeling inspired and capable of being the best we can be. We will not fall into the jaded rut of bitterness and negative comments. We will do our best to lift each other up, set our goals for a future and work hard to make it happen. We will empower Espen to be Espen and be the kind, loving, mannered, sporty, creative, clever, funny, smart little boy he is. He may get in trouble, but that moment will not define his future. We will enjoy the moments, however crazy they may be... we will find our joy... because these tiny moments of happy shape our next moments. One good one leads to the next good one.... moment by moment.
Certainly in the last 9 months we have adjusted to a routine life again. Everything is unpacked and put in place. We know where to buy groceries and medication. We have established relationships with the school, doctors and dentists. We have made some friends who we can trust with our kind of "crazy". We give equal consideration to exploring and discovering as we do to staying home and being in our own space. We make effort and attempt to see family more, rejoice in the small moments and open our hearts to experiences. But with our year anniversary of living in Oklahoma approaching we find ourselves talking about the future and what that holds in the immediate and the long term. We talk about "managing" here and how we learn to enjoy it. We talk about the future of our son and his success in the education system and in life. We talk about how we find ourselves in the negative slump and are often jaded with people and situations. We find ourselves wondering about what our future decisions for our family will look like and how soon we will need to make them. Our knowledge leads our decisions.
There are moments in life that are hard. When you have people and things you are responsible for those moments and decisions get even harder. For example, moving today becomes exponentially more difficult than it was even 9 months ago... we added some animals to our pack, we added equipment, we sunk a lot of money into making this building a home and that metal outbuilding a shop. We are no longer at a place to just walk away for the "next thing". Moving is not one of our options currently. But our moments here are extremely challenging making our family sick with dread and angst, doubting and emotional. Challenges with the job, the community, the school and ultimately, with living a happy and well rounded life. The negative moments and comments are finding a way into Espen's little being and he believes he is bad and not able to "do it". I find myself exhausted with constantly managing crisis and Doug drags himself into a job suddenly counting down until he can retire. We face these challenging moments head on. These challenges will shape us but they will not define us.
Moments should not define a person. It is what we are trying to help a 9 year old understand. Because in the last 9 months the child has had more bad than good, more negative than positive and he feels consistently and constantly in trouble and that he is bad (bad choices, bad behavior, bad work, bad bad bad). We have had to find ways of being more positive for him because he is not what the moments are. He is not that choice, behavior, moment. The situations do not define him, yet he has started to believe he is nothing but bad, that people expect him to be bad and why try to be anything else. From the mouth of my child this was uttered. He is not defined by the moments. No one is.It is what we as adults have to understand and practice every day. Moments happen. Situations, experiences, events they all shape our decisions, attitudes and beliefs but they do not define us. We are able to start fresh the next moment or day or week and try again. We are able to create our next experience and make it positive. Each one of us is able to begin again. It is hard to do as a grown up, even harder as a child.
We are having to wrap our minds and lives around this experience we are in and find the good. We constantly have to change our mindset and vocabulary about situations with Espen so he is forced into believing positive things about himself and his experiences. We have to remind ourselves and each other that we can not be constantly wishing for the past or thinking about the future... we have to be in this moment and we have to make it the best we can.
These last 9 months have not been our finest. Far from it if I am telling the hard truth. But we will learn from these decisions and experiences. We will wake up tomorrow and face the day with a positive outlook and hope for a positive outcome. We will speak to each other and our child in ways that leave us feeling inspired and capable of being the best we can be. We will not fall into the jaded rut of bitterness and negative comments. We will do our best to lift each other up, set our goals for a future and work hard to make it happen. We will empower Espen to be Espen and be the kind, loving, mannered, sporty, creative, clever, funny, smart little boy he is. He may get in trouble, but that moment will not define his future. We will enjoy the moments, however crazy they may be... we will find our joy... because these tiny moments of happy shape our next moments. One good one leads to the next good one.... moment by moment. 
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