Be like the sunflower

Today I read something in James Clear's newsletter.  It spoke volumes to me. Here is what he said: 

“Some people get addicted to chain-smoking their problems. They spend all day going from sorrow to sorrow. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can live each day going from joy to joy—like a sunflower that turns to face the sun as it moves across the sky. It’s not about having a problem-free life, but about focusing on the light. Sunflowers still have shadows, but they are always behind them.”

My heart and mind needed that today. Just to sit and digest those words. For weeks I have grappled with the glass being mostly empty, a rain cloud on every situation, gloom and doom behind every door.  My complaint level has been through the roof and I am sure I have bothered the people in my house with my tears, anxiety and worry. It is not to say every day is bad or worry ridden because we certainly have a fair amount of amazing days. Generally I have struggled.  Read that I ME MYSELF. Yea I know there are meds for that and "it's easy to just believe" and COME ON GIRL just pick yourself up... but it has been challenging not to just go from sorrow to sorrow.

We have found ways for Espen to be involved in the same types of activities he would have engaged in at public school. He has transitioned from wrestling to baseball and is playing on a competitive team. He is in two bands (jazz and concert band). He rides motorcycle, rock climbs and has been invited to a host of other activities. Academically he is thriving in more ways than we have seen in a long time.  I know we are doing the right things at the right times and I am proud of it. 

The issue is my identity... who I am... what I do...  As much as we get him involved and invested in his life and choices and activities something of me has to be put aside and I disappear a little at a time. I am a person with interests and skills that once again I find put on hold...It is easy to be upset and see the worry all the time. To wonder if the situation is more than I can take and if I am really doing the right things. 

I struggled so much with this when Espen was born.  I was finishing my masters degree and deciding to stay home instead of going back to work.  For months I had a real hard adjustment to who I was and what I do with myself and how I not disappear as a human while still being a good mom. I find myself stuck here again. 

Because I find myself so often in the car and waiting at some activity I have time.  Time for my busy mind to wander and worry. Time for mom guilt to be crippling. Time for anxiety to get the best of me.  It has been this time to find fear that I am giving up myself as we make the decisions for next year.  I am giving up my freedom as an adult to be a driver, educator and planning coordinator. I am giving my business another pause so that I can be present to other things. 

The words I saw today stopped me in my tracks. It is so hard to go from joy to joy when every moment is management of stress. It is a challenge to find the light when every breath feels like the darkest decisions.  But the fact is that we all have real hard days. We all have moments that are completely overwhelming. We all struggle with the adult decisions we are forced into making. We all ask ourselves "why me I can't handle one more thing". 

Today I read that and thought I needed to rephrase the narrative I am living.  I am going to have hard choices and hard decisions and hard days that scare the crap out of me. I am going to struggle and have meltdowns.  Instead of letting it carry me away, maybe I can focus on something else. I can be immensely proud of my son in a thousand different ways. I can be thankful for these opportunities to be in the car, listening to his stories, his music and what makes him Espen. To be home seeing what he is learning and helping him understand the impacts of the lessons on bigger and smaller pictures.  I can be blessed to have a husband that supports my everything and to have the flexibility to be soaking up the days, playing hard, working hard and being creative when I can.  There is no pressure to earn a salary or report to a boss. I can be free to do as I like as I can with his support and complete understanding.  As I rephrase my life today perhaps I can be like a sunflower and put the darkness behind me... I will know it is still there, just not in my face each overwhelming moment.