mommy is broken (again)

Do you ever watch a movie & just cry? I watched HACHI. If you haven't seen it, do so... it is a wonderful G rated movie about a dog & a man & loyalty. But geez not the movie to watch when you are sitting here all alone. It just makes you think about wanting something or someone to miss you that much.....

Well our weekend could NOT have gone without a break.... remember mommy broke it.... and today I simply broke down. The day started fine but an old friend was instant messaging me and simply asked me "how are you adjusting with the baby, the move and everything really?". And I realized that he probably cared about my answer but I couldn't give him one because it was breakfast time. And I thought I am really doing well all things considered AND at the same time I'M NOT. So a few hours later ~ I broke.

I'm tired. I have to many little beings that need me right now ~ and dang it I forgot to feed my fish again. I don't want to be the only one in the house that stands more than 5 feet tall. I enjoy them all, don't misunderstand. I love to hear a cat purr or feel a wet nose on my foot or have a head pushing my hand for some rubbing or have little hands pulling on my pantlegs or a giggle when the water bowl gets spilled. I just want to share the responsiblity with anyone right now! The days are less frequent now when I miss my job but I attribute that to the warm weather. But I do miss terribly wearing my skirts and fun shoes... but my mission is to be a cool & hip dressed mom I just have to figure out what that means at the moment.

I am anxious beyond measure about the weird situation with the house. The stress of just not knowing is driving me crazy. And I like to be the manager of control & this situation I am not in control of. Not only is there a weird situation with the buyers but the movers are bugging me too. I do better when I am in charge!

I don't want the worry of bills and budgets and expenses and the whole mess.... But that is not going anywhere.

I would love to have some fun for a few minutes but just don't want to do it by myself everytime I do it. (Which is why I enjoyed a middle school band concert yesterday ~ becasue it was fun, out of the ordinary & there was someone to do it with). So today I just broke down...

But I cryed, picked myself up, talked to Doug and kept on going.... played with a dog, brushed a cat ~ forgot my fish again ~ and most importantly I was the best mom I can be.... I love the heck out of the one little boy that I have. We played and read books and walked and talked and giggled and ate and sang and did it all (just like everyday).... And at the end of the day when he fell asleep in my arms (which rarely happens seriously because I generally put him in bed still awake, he goes to sleep on his own quietly & calmly thanks to the miracle book) I just quietly sat there and watched him. I breathed the smell of him. I felt his little body breathing, his heart beating. I looked at his little fingers & toes and the perfect skin and the wildly curly and untame hair. He is amazing. And I thanked God for him. And I realized that the days will be long & hard but for Espen I can move a mountain and I can do it with a smile, with a dog by each side and a beta fish in my backpack! I can be a great mom, a good wife, a fantastic "host parent", a kind friend and that is where I can get my strength to go another day.... So look out MONDAY ~ here we come!!