Jan 26 ~ 2011
Hello WOrLd! Some days mommy breaks technology ~somedays it is mommy who feels broken. Today is one of those days.... don't pass judgement on my irrational thoughts. Being mommy is some days the hardest job I've every had, some days it is so easy. I am quite positive I am not the only mom who has these feelings. But in the MOMENT it is a lonely feeling. It is also quite challenging somedays to hold my beautiful little boy & to feel like I am not real. I believe anyone who has adopted will know that feeling.
Somedays getting dressed is the challenge & when you fail at that or it is difficult, it sets your whole day up for some stressful times. That is what happened today. It of course got better and I am totally able to hide my stress from everyone EXCEPT Espen. So he was a little stressed too...
We went to the library and story time was great except for my own irrational thoughts. Espen doesn't generally sit with me at the library. He sits apart from me but can see me. My irrationality today was consumed with the thought that he just knows that he didn't come from my body. And what I did was just hug him & love on him when I could and encourage his independence and try not to wonder why. But I was consumed. It rarely happens because we have such a beautiful bond with Espen. Today I was irrational.
Then we went IN the library for some books and my beautiful stressed out little boy RAN WILD in the library. WOW... it was super crazy. Don't get me wrong, he was adorable & cute but silly. And clearly running & playing in the library is not acceptable. So I caught him. He cried. I let him down & he tried to escape out the door wacking his head on the door. This made him SCREAM. Yea as much as running is not ok, screaming is EVEN WORSE. I calmed him down & put him down again (yea I am a glutton for punishment). And YES he ran for the door AGAIN. And WHAM.. got knocked in the head AGAIN. The sceaming started all over.. and a welt on his head. So I calmed him and we left the library. I felt like a mommy failure... my son can't handle the library. UGH... But we will continue... we will both learn.
We drove around for a minute so I could cry about my frustrations... Espen was quite happy to listen & glad to be gone from the library!!!!!!
Our day went better... this is just a few moments in the whole day... they were the ones I decided to share.... because what is a look at my life if it isn't brutally honest & hard sometimes. I am not just a funny woman with silly techno problems. I'm a mom in the most honest sense. I am a wife. I am a friend. My life is very very real. And I love fiercely and deeply. Espen is the best part of my life and of Doug's.
Tomorrow is a new day....
Somedays getting dressed is the challenge & when you fail at that or it is difficult, it sets your whole day up for some stressful times. That is what happened today. It of course got better and I am totally able to hide my stress from everyone EXCEPT Espen. So he was a little stressed too...
We went to the library and story time was great except for my own irrational thoughts. Espen doesn't generally sit with me at the library. He sits apart from me but can see me. My irrationality today was consumed with the thought that he just knows that he didn't come from my body. And what I did was just hug him & love on him when I could and encourage his independence and try not to wonder why. But I was consumed. It rarely happens because we have such a beautiful bond with Espen. Today I was irrational.
Then we went IN the library for some books and my beautiful stressed out little boy RAN WILD in the library. WOW... it was super crazy. Don't get me wrong, he was adorable & cute but silly. And clearly running & playing in the library is not acceptable. So I caught him. He cried. I let him down & he tried to escape out the door wacking his head on the door. This made him SCREAM. Yea as much as running is not ok, screaming is EVEN WORSE. I calmed him down & put him down again (yea I am a glutton for punishment). And YES he ran for the door AGAIN. And WHAM.. got knocked in the head AGAIN. The sceaming started all over.. and a welt on his head. So I calmed him and we left the library. I felt like a mommy failure... my son can't handle the library. UGH... But we will continue... we will both learn.
We drove around for a minute so I could cry about my frustrations... Espen was quite happy to listen & glad to be gone from the library!!!!!!
Our day went better... this is just a few moments in the whole day... they were the ones I decided to share.... because what is a look at my life if it isn't brutally honest & hard sometimes. I am not just a funny woman with silly techno problems. I'm a mom in the most honest sense. I am a wife. I am a friend. My life is very very real. And I love fiercely and deeply. Espen is the best part of my life and of Doug's.
Tomorrow is a new day....
thanks for sharing. while i can't relate to the irrational thoughts that you attribute to having adopted Espen, today was full of guilty mommy moments.. i lost my patience multiple times and essentially ignored the girls for about 3 hours while I tried to wrap up work stuff from home.. they watched entirely too much tv and ran rampant while I intermittantly paid attention to their needs.. At the end of the day, Jasmine asked why I had so much work and why I didn't play with them.. She then told her daddy when he got home, "mommy was frustrated with us today".. I apologized and reconnected through bedtime stories and chit chat before she drifted off to sleep.. Yeah, not a great day but Tomorrow, Lord willing, we'll both get another shot.
ReplyDeletethank you Giselle... and yes today I did get another shot and it has been quite lovely... i am blessed most days to be able to stay home work free to be mommy there are other things that come into staying home that i never anticipated! irrationality just creeps on us all in weird ways!
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