August 29 ~ 2011 -- Spankings

Well today was a rough day. It is not always just a walk in the park. Today I really wanted to walk away from my little life. I wanted to go back to work & wear clean clothes that stay clean. I wanted to speak to adults about something other than children & poop. I wanted to drink water & go to the bathroom when I felt like it without a child bolting for the front door. I did the right thing and took Espen to the center & we played with other kids. I tried my hardest to get into a conversation with a couple mom's. I played cars and trucks. Then there were these cookies (animal crackers) and we left and came home for lunch & all hell broke loose. He refused to eat lunch but ate nearly everything else he could from cleaners to poop to hair to grass to sand (YES I WAS WATCHING HIM). Then he wouldn't nap... I tried and tried and tried... even held the door closed thinking he'd just go lay back down.. but nope... he screamed at me to "LET ME OUT MAMMA"... broke me... So no nap. The straw that broke my whole being was when I was trying to get ready for work (without showering today because I couldn't be alone for 5 minutes) was when he squirted lotion all over his little hands & face and giggled & kept squirting. I was done with messes & boys & mommy & wife & bellevue & the whole lot... I scooped him up and spanked & spanked him... NOT ONE single time did he cry or flintch... I broke my own heart... I cried. He didn't but I did. What kind of freaking example was that? A really bad one. So today I vowed to him that I would never do this again. I hugged & cuddled him. I apologized for being a bad mommy. And we struggled the rest of the afternoon... At about 3 I held him to just get him to be still in his body and he finally struggled himself out & fell asleep on my bed (never has done that). Then I pulled my hair up & put on some clean clothes & carried him to the car so I could go to work. The cookies did this last week too but I didn't snap...

Seriously rough day... But we made it.... and he is fine... I am fine... and tonight I will sit by his bed and be thankful for him and for what a beautiful little boy he is.. how creative and curious he is... I will be thankful... because I am.