Staying Home

Two and a half years ago we adopted our beautiful little boy.  He is a true gift.... each and every day!  It was then that I, with support, made the decision to leave my full time career and be the stay at home mom.  It was that desire to be at home that spurred our decision to move to Nebraska.  And yet there are things no one tells you....  and this week, well if only someone told me!!

I am nearing 40 years old and my life was on a course 2 years ago and I had reached a stage where if I purchased something I waited until I could get the 'good' one.  I had some pretty items around my house.  Some fragile things.  Some stain free things.  Some great designer clothes.  I didn't expect life to take me backward in a weird way.... a two year old changes that... After breaking some special, recently acquired object this week, we have moved and packed and secured some other objects that are just as special.  I wanted my son to know pretty things and see them... and not worry about about breakage!  So the things that are out can certainly still get broken but it won't be the crushing blow if it happens... I never pictured myself surrounded by plastic and kid stuff all over... and I do a great job of that!!  We don't have mountains of anything and it is all easy to put away... I don't save much and get rid of the things we don't play with or outgrow.  I rarely feel over run by toys and plastic!  However... we have moved a big jumpy deal into my family room so Espen can jump inside as it has gotten cold out... so it is like having a 5 foot trampoline in your family room..  Funniest part of that is the family room is strangely the one room that is toy free... there are no toys, books.. nothing!  It is downstairs, the big TV, PlayStation, wii, sound system, new couch, new carpet are all down there... and it makes me feel adult to sit & watch TV or relax without any toys around... except for the trampoline!  Geesh...  Go ahead... judge me... parenting is the hardest task in the world and sometimes even good parents need a break from the kid stuff!  Plus... I am older and I want to be surrounded by "pretty" and MATURE!!

It is also challenging to feel like I am the stay at home parent of ONE small child and the simplest tasks I have difficulty completing.  Three days to make cookies, a week to find 1 gift, 2 hours to go to post office & copy store...because I am at home WITH Espen!!  So I take him everywhere... there is no help or relief or place to drop him off... it is ME!!  And along with that comes this overwhelming sense of failed attempts... ultimate failure.  It may be hard to explain but the fast paced career and the education left me quite talented and able to accomplish large tasks with speed & success!  Parenting is not quite the same... 

This week when I set out Monday I had a list... bake cookies, get gifts boxed for shipping overseas (which means purchasing ONE gift still), find Doug a gift and wrap the ones I have hiding in the house before Anders comes home!  And it is Thursday... the only thing I have accomplished is the cookies... and that was with lots of tears and frustration... and I have been out in attempts to finish that shipment and went specifically to get one thing for Doug... and all attempts have FAILED... not because of Espen or because of my lack of trying.. but believe me it is internalized and I am feeling like a total maniac...  and a failure...  I am the educated stay at home mom of ONE child... these things are not that big of a deal... and yet when doing them with my son it becomes harder than it is...

Taking boxes into the post office I carry the boxes, the purse & hold the hand of an octopus who is jumping over puddles, talking, looking in a million directions...

Looking for a gift I have the purse and the sweaty hot wiggly 2 year old who grabs everything he can reach and this time of year the stores are all NOT kid friendly and have packed every space with things to be grabbed...  I spend more time picking stuff up then looking for what I am looking for!

Making cookies I have a chair in the way of my oven door so that Espen can help which means eat stuff and make a mess all over himself, the counter & floor for me to clean when we are done...

So while it is awesome to be at home... what no one tells you is that every single day your patience is tried.. not by the child before you but by your own mind... in the attempt to feel accomplished I make myself crazy... and I do not accept failed attempts!!  And so this week I have cried... and gotten upset... because I don't want help, I want to do it myself... and I want it to be easier!!  Because I want to be successful at more than just being a good mom... I want other successes!  But these feelings don't actually make me a good mom... they make me crazy! 

And no I would not change it... I am not planning on going back to work until he is in school and then it would be minimal because I want to be there... want to be in the classroom, the pta, the mom doing carpool, the practice mom, game mom... it is what I intended to do!!  And I love it... but I am also an adult with crazy notions... and it is hard to let go and change sometimes!!