Turning 40
I am turning 40 soon and it is bothering me. Not because I am worried that I will FEEL any older. Nor because of what I see on TV or in the media about 40 year olds. Not even because of what I see other 40 year olds doing/accomplishing. Not even because I am unhappy with the way my life is moving. I am happy. I am tiredly pleased with the turn my life has taken. I enjoy, most days, being a stay at home mom. I don't hate the way I look but like most of the world, I could stand to be a bit more healthy!
The upcoming birthday is bothering me for a couple reasons. Firstly, it is a BIG birthday and I'm married to a non-planner. I had hopes of having a party with all my friends & family. A celebration fit for 40! And cake of course. At this moment, I'd have to bake my own cake and our friends would need to travel to far! And our families are not in positions to travel in early March. SO there is no big celebration for the 40th.
And the other reason is one that most probably face at some point or another. When I was 30 and again when I was 35, I thought and planned a "path" for my future. It included a family, I imagined more than one child. It included some part time, high powered career. I imagined being known in the community. That my kids would have friends. That we would be involved in the community and be part of something more than ourselves. I imagined we would be able to travel & vacation. I imagined that finacially we would not be so strapped. And now my reality smacks me in the face.... I am almost 40 and I am a stay at home mom with one son who runs me ragged some days. I have a quirky part time job that I like. We are unknown in this community. We are finacially broke most of the time with very very little in our budget to spare. I don't have a groovy part time career that utilizes my masters. We don't have room in our budget for travel of the scale I would like to travel. I do get to get in my car & go to Kansas or Oklahoma often but I long for BIGGER travel. For the opportunity to take my son on an airplane to distant lands.
So while 40 is just an age, I most likely will not feel any different on the day after my birthday, it is bothering me. I can reinvent myself and am in the process. I can learn to adjust to being Espen's mommy and take that happily for what it is. I admit that more than one child is most likely not in the future for us.... unless we win the lottery or some miracle happens. Plus somedays I am worn out from one little boy & adding more is frightening! I am happy to be the one to spend every day with Espen and the idea of pre-school is sad. He grows so fast. I can adust to being mommy and find things that challenge me mentally. I can do new things and set new goals. It is hard. It is just hard to let go of the things I thought I wanted and to move on to new things. But I do it. Every day.
I am happy with my quirky job. I love the people I work with and I am entertained by learning the limited things I learn. I have taken to running odd trail runs. They challenge me physically and mentally and they are simply fun and entertaining! I have been trying really hard to do pottery and to be my own marketing agent. I can market the stuff, but finding time to build it is the challenge. But I am figuring it out! So the transition is a slow one. One that takes effort and patience. But the 40th birthday just makes me feel like I should be in a different place than I am.... patience... patience...
The upcoming birthday is bothering me for a couple reasons. Firstly, it is a BIG birthday and I'm married to a non-planner. I had hopes of having a party with all my friends & family. A celebration fit for 40! And cake of course. At this moment, I'd have to bake my own cake and our friends would need to travel to far! And our families are not in positions to travel in early March. SO there is no big celebration for the 40th.
And the other reason is one that most probably face at some point or another. When I was 30 and again when I was 35, I thought and planned a "path" for my future. It included a family, I imagined more than one child. It included some part time, high powered career. I imagined being known in the community. That my kids would have friends. That we would be involved in the community and be part of something more than ourselves. I imagined we would be able to travel & vacation. I imagined that finacially we would not be so strapped. And now my reality smacks me in the face.... I am almost 40 and I am a stay at home mom with one son who runs me ragged some days. I have a quirky part time job that I like. We are unknown in this community. We are finacially broke most of the time with very very little in our budget to spare. I don't have a groovy part time career that utilizes my masters. We don't have room in our budget for travel of the scale I would like to travel. I do get to get in my car & go to Kansas or Oklahoma often but I long for BIGGER travel. For the opportunity to take my son on an airplane to distant lands.
So while 40 is just an age, I most likely will not feel any different on the day after my birthday, it is bothering me. I can reinvent myself and am in the process. I can learn to adjust to being Espen's mommy and take that happily for what it is. I admit that more than one child is most likely not in the future for us.... unless we win the lottery or some miracle happens. Plus somedays I am worn out from one little boy & adding more is frightening! I am happy to be the one to spend every day with Espen and the idea of pre-school is sad. He grows so fast. I can adust to being mommy and find things that challenge me mentally. I can do new things and set new goals. It is hard. It is just hard to let go of the things I thought I wanted and to move on to new things. But I do it. Every day.
I am happy with my quirky job. I love the people I work with and I am entertained by learning the limited things I learn. I have taken to running odd trail runs. They challenge me physically and mentally and they are simply fun and entertaining! I have been trying really hard to do pottery and to be my own marketing agent. I can market the stuff, but finding time to build it is the challenge. But I am figuring it out! So the transition is a slow one. One that takes effort and patience. But the 40th birthday just makes me feel like I should be in a different place than I am.... patience... patience...
Shelly, you are so dear to my heart. I'm sorry you are down about turning 40. On my 40th birthday I took the law school admissions test and planned to be a lawyer and get on with my life. Being a lawyer was all I wanted when I was in my late teens and early 20's but life got in the way. After I was accepted (conditionally at the time) to DU Law school, I really took a look at the time commitment away from someone near and dear to me (I think you know him :). I would have gone to school almost every night for 5 years and been involved in study groups on off time plus working full time. When I graduated and paid back my student loans I would have been 60 years old. I gave up the idea and went to graduate school after Scott graduated. I had someone ask me once if I was sad that I had sacrificed so much for my children. Not one moment of time with Tanya and Scott would I trade for any degree or career or travel. I got my masters at age 50; have been one of the most respected females in the construction realm in which I work; have been to all but 4 states; have traveled to 9 foreign countries and get my first social security check next week. I have 2 houses and part owner in a third. I have only one VERY SPECIAL friend (plus my boyfriend of 10 years) because my life has been about family (and I have a large one). As a single person, I have always rewarded myself on my birthday so I wasn't dissappointed. I suggest that you take out 40 candles and write a story of friendship and/or love for each one then bind it in a book. Your time will come. Enjoy your family now. Espen is too little to remember travels yet anyway.
ReplyDeleteHappy 40th birthday from one of your candles.
Nancy (or as most of your generation knows me - Scott's mom)
Thank YOU Nancy... I appreciate your kindness always!! And I will do just that!! love...
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