School ANXIETY
Espen has been asking me if he could go to school for about 6 months. We toured the local private school that has a preschool program for 3 year olds. I wanted a SCHOOL experience not a daycare. So after we toured he was even more excited and pointed it out when we drove past and talked about it with daddy and Anders and Patrick. So I registered him in the program for 2 mornings a week. It was the carrot at the end of the pole while potty training. SCHOOL. He was excited.
Last week when I dropped by to turn in his registration papers, he FREAKED out. He was so afraid I had to hold him shaking in my arms. He cried and was upset. When we left he told me through his sobs that he didn't want to go to school. And that he NEVER wanted to go back. Hannah mentioned she went to school there so he was feeling a little braver and said he would try. UGH......
Well as much as it kills me, I think he is ready. I have been über excited about it for him even though deep in my core I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO. My baby is growing up. He is a little boy. He wants to be independent. I want my baby!
And so this is a blog about my sadness that my son is growing up. Yes I understand that all parents experience it. Different times or children or reasons make it sad to witness your child grow. For 3 years it has just been me at home with him. I decided I wanted to be mommy full time and I've managed the financial struggles, the lonliness, the extreme joy. We have played, learned, toured, traveled, had adventures in our pj's and backyard. We talk, laugh, cry and giggle. We make glorious messes and have serious amounts of fun. But we also have had the bad, terrible days. The days of throwing things and screaming boys. The days of disgusting messes and mommy crying. But every single day and every single night for 1100+ days I have been there to see it all.
And now suddenly his advenutres and experiences become his own. He gets to have interactions with new friends. They will share learning and fun. He will have a journey that doesn't include mommy immediately. I will suddenly be the one he tells not the one involved. And it makes me terribly sad. Not so sad to stop his advenutres, even when I am terrified he will misbehave. Nor will I stop it knowing he is going to struggle, when I never expected the struggle, with being left. I know he is ready for this new journey. As well as I know I am not.
I am mommy. I am the one who remembers how he was the night he was born. And how I vowed to be there always. My role is changing. My little boy is growing up. And I still want the baby to cuddle and kiss on! And I see how fast 3 years went. And I am fearful of how fast the next 3 will go.
And so next tuesday I will calmly and lovingly and excitedly walk my baby into his new class for his first day of preschool and I will walk out in tears because he is ready. He is on the road to a great new adventure and I will guide him and get him there..... And I will be waiting to pick him up and hear all about it!
Last week when I dropped by to turn in his registration papers, he FREAKED out. He was so afraid I had to hold him shaking in my arms. He cried and was upset. When we left he told me through his sobs that he didn't want to go to school. And that he NEVER wanted to go back. Hannah mentioned she went to school there so he was feeling a little braver and said he would try. UGH......
Well as much as it kills me, I think he is ready. I have been über excited about it for him even though deep in my core I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO. My baby is growing up. He is a little boy. He wants to be independent. I want my baby!
And so this is a blog about my sadness that my son is growing up. Yes I understand that all parents experience it. Different times or children or reasons make it sad to witness your child grow. For 3 years it has just been me at home with him. I decided I wanted to be mommy full time and I've managed the financial struggles, the lonliness, the extreme joy. We have played, learned, toured, traveled, had adventures in our pj's and backyard. We talk, laugh, cry and giggle. We make glorious messes and have serious amounts of fun. But we also have had the bad, terrible days. The days of throwing things and screaming boys. The days of disgusting messes and mommy crying. But every single day and every single night for 1100+ days I have been there to see it all.
And now suddenly his advenutres and experiences become his own. He gets to have interactions with new friends. They will share learning and fun. He will have a journey that doesn't include mommy immediately. I will suddenly be the one he tells not the one involved. And it makes me terribly sad. Not so sad to stop his advenutres, even when I am terrified he will misbehave. Nor will I stop it knowing he is going to struggle, when I never expected the struggle, with being left. I know he is ready for this new journey. As well as I know I am not.
I am mommy. I am the one who remembers how he was the night he was born. And how I vowed to be there always. My role is changing. My little boy is growing up. And I still want the baby to cuddle and kiss on! And I see how fast 3 years went. And I am fearful of how fast the next 3 will go.
And so next tuesday I will calmly and lovingly and excitedly walk my baby into his new class for his first day of preschool and I will walk out in tears because he is ready. He is on the road to a great new adventure and I will guide him and get him there..... And I will be waiting to pick him up and hear all about it!
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