Power in Saying NO

Recently I had an interaction with a young woman that has given me something to think about.*  This young woman is smart, funny and beautiful (although I don't imagine she knows it).  She is stressed to the max working full time, planning an important life event, volunteering with an organization she is passionate about and so many other things.  Sounds like me 20 years ago....  sounds like any one of the amazing women I surround my self with.  Stretched to the breaking point. 

I was reminded when I chatted with her about how hard life can get and how quickly we can feel like we are broken and nothing is "working right ~ no matter how hard we try".  Life gets to be overwhelming.  It happens to us all.  I can remember days when I cried more tears than imaginable.  I can share story after story of the stress in my life due to a million things piling up.  I can recall making terrible choices and doing really dumb things.  I remember wanting to pull the brakes on things (plans, jobs, activities, relationships) but didn't have the ability to do it for fear of letting everyone down and thinking I could manage to make it work.  Only what I did accomplish was half hearted and substandard, making me feel worse and my relationships, job, self suffered. 

As women we have these unspoken expectations to be everything to everyone.  We believe we need to be everywhere and doing it all.  We think we can do more then we really can.  We often make room in our lives for more then we have space for.   We forget (or maybe never learned) the importance of putting our own body and health first.  We feel "less than" if we say no.  When in reality we just keep piling it on and our health suffers, our mental ability to do any one task suffers and the strain we feel prohibits healthy and positive interactions from happening.  And the task we are trying so hard to do well suffers immeasurably. 

My interactions with my young friend reminded me how important the lessons are.  It is certainly acceptable to pick the most brilliant projects that bring you the most satisfaction but also very acceptable to pass on things.  It is ok to let things go.  It is important to surround yourself with like minded people.  It is most important to listen to your gut instincts and do what your heart screams at you.  Give yourself permission to say NO and to stop the acceptance of things from piling on top of your already full plate. 

I think we all have to get to this point in our own time.  We all have to get to the crossroads and decide to keep on trying to do it all or just stop and choose more wisely.  We all have to have our time to learn to not accept the guilty feelings when we say "not now" or "NO". 

Even after these years of practicing saying no, I still feel a tiny bit guilty and still wonder if maybe I could have tackled that task in addition to what ever else I have going on.  It is there.  It will always be there.  In the back of my mind.  I have learned to push past it. 

As we start another day, I am grateful that I managed to learn and make it work and hopefully this young woman will be kind to herself and learn.  Because it is not easy to wake up and get going when you feel broken and overwhelmed.  It is not easy to decide to choose yourself first.  Here is how I did it.... when I reached my breaking point I had to choose one thing I had some control over at the moment.  For me it was always my job ~ partly because it was what paid the bills and I needed that income, partly because it was consistent.  I could control getting up in the morning, getting myself showered and dressed to head into the professional world.  I could control how well I did, my interactions with professionals, the projects I was on.  I had to excuse my self from extra committees and meetings and just focus on the tasks. 

Do that ONE thing the absolute best you can.  Remove yourself from things you don't need to be part of ~ clubs, groups, cliques.  Don't take any other responsibilities with that one task ~ don't add duties, projects, tasks, assignments.  Just focus on the actual job at hand.  Stop everything else.  For now. 

While I was focused on the job, I had to ask my friends, family and coworkers for help.  Even though asking meant accepting that I was struggling.  I had to ask them to help me say no.  Ask them to stop inviting me, for now.  Ask them to support my decision to limit the things I was doing so that I could find balance and strength to do things well again.  It meant I had to stop going out, stop the extra classes and clubs I belonged to, stop helping others with things.  I had to say no thank you in a million ways and then just shut the door, turn off the phone. 

I had to eat healthy.  Remind my self to drink water.  I had to see the right doctor and get the right balance of medication so that my mind and body could work together.  I had to exercise.  I had to get outside and get air and sunshine.  I had to seek the right kind of counseling. 

After some time of feeling extremely guilty for saying no and for pulling back, I discovered a "place" I was content in.  I learned that I was not getting happier by adding things to my schedule ~ I was stretching myself thinner.  I learned that by accepting every request or offer I was limiting the time that I could spend on things I enjoyed and that mattered to me. 

I am older and wiser then I was 20 years ago.  It was not an easy lesson and took me several attempts to "get it".  And still there are moments when I easily slip back into the "I can do it all" belief.  It is not a simple formula or solution to it.  Saying no to people is an extremely hard thing to do.  But the alternative is accepting more than you can handle and doing a shady job of it all and feeling broken down emotionally, physically and mentally. 



It is without a doubt the hardest thing to learn.  It is not just the ability to say no.  It is the power we give to ourselves when we put our self, health and interests before everyone else's.  It is the voice in our hearts that tells us "we are important, sit still and don't take on anything else".  This is the lesson.  Giving ourselves permission to be important.  Not selfish or manipulating or rude ~ but giving up the myth that we must be everything to everyone, when we must actually be one with ourselves. 


*Please bare in mind that this is my perception of the interaction and may not in any way be what this young woman feels.  This is however what I thought about all day....The ability to say NO and let go.