Saying No

I have been intentionally giving myself the ability to say NO.  One word.  Two letters.  It is really hard to use. 

I enjoy being involved.  I like volunteering and participating in various projects.  I love helping at the school and teaching projects in my studio.  But I found myself over extended, over committed and over tired.  My brain and body were tired.  I did not feel inspired or creative.  My calendar was always full and I still tried to squeeze things in.  My child was repeating 'mom we are always going somewhere for someone' and 'mom there are always people here'.  My husband, while super supportive, rarely got a wife who was not tired and frazzled and we want to have the ability to do other things.   

So with much thought I have been limiting and eliminating things.  There was a lot of guilt that crashed down on me in giant waves.  Guilt that I let myself, family, friends, people, the community, my business down when I said no.  Unrelenting negative self talk about who I am if I am not (overly) involved and doing things.  My busy brain made it exceptionally hard to simply say no.  But I practice.

I came into 2023 recognizing that I need to be much more mindful about projects, committees, business arrangements and studio engagements that I commit to.  I need to give myself grace.  I need to clear my calendar and be ok seeing white squares.  I need to give my child the present attention he needs when he needs it (and if you follow along in my journey, you know that he has had a stretch of trouble lately so being present has mattered).  I need to give my husband the less committed more relaxed version of myself.  I need to give my creative energy time to flourish so that my studio is fun for me again. 

To do any of those things I have to say no.  No thanks.  Not at this time.   I had to realize that my words were wiggling into my brain and when I said "I'm sorry but I cannot" I felt more guilty.  I'm not sorry.  I'm not sorry that I need to put my family and myself in front for now.  

Here is what I notice.  I am not as stressed and frazzled.  I am not as mentally or physically tired.  I am not as busy rushing from one thing to the next.  I am a better wife and mom.  I am present.  I am more creative.  Giving myself permission to say no while hard has become a welcome and much needed transition.  With strength and determination I am patient with myself as I navigate the internal struggle in using the small word... NO.